A 3am Prayer…

Posted on October 4, 2009

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feet-of-jesusI don’t know why, but for the past year I’ve battled major insomnia. I lie awake at night and stare at the ceiling as if it were a movie screen playing my future. I try to catch glimpses, but the picture moves to quickly and my eyes only catch bits and pieces; blurred images that tell me nothing and leave me feeling empty inside. I think one of the reasons I feel so conflicted is guilt. I feel guilty for saying I love my Father in Heaven, yet I act in ways that hurt him on a daily basis. And then he forgives me, and it makes me feel even more guilty. Tonight is no different…

We all have fears and insecurities, but sometimes I have to question why I seem to live in mine so completely. God has blessed me with an incredible family, and friends that I love and admire. He’s blessed me with talent, and with a vision for how to use that talent. He’s blessed me with the most incredible gift, his son, who bled on a tree for my sins. What more could I possibly ask for? What more could I possibly need? Why can’t I live in that victory?

I’m reminded of the fallen King David, and It’s in these 3am moments that I understand why he cried out to God as he did. We are all Davids, I think, fallen men that live mostly inconsistent lives. Yet I take hope in God’s forgiveness. I take hope in the fact that even David was considered a man after God’s own heart. And I hope that God will say the same about me some day. I really do hope.

So I throw this 3am prayer out into the cosmos…

Lord make me more mindful of you. Never let me forget you or forsake you. Help me to love all mankind as you love mankind. Help me to give of myself sacrificially. Bless those whom I love, and those whom I’ve yet to love. Give them my blessings Lord. Help me to be content in your presence. Help me to live free of my guilt. And bless the one whom I hold closest to my heart. Bless that person exceedingly… Amen.

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So now I’ll attempt to go to sleep once more. I’ll try to close my eyes and ignore the movie playing above me. And I’ll try to live once more in that victory that is so freely, yet undeservedly mine. Blessings to all of those who read this. May you find the peace of God that passes all understanding.

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