I don’t know why, but for the past year I’ve battled major insomnia. I lie awake at night and stare at the ceiling as if it were a movie screen playing my future. I try to catch glimpses, but the picture moves to quickly and my eyes only catch bits and pieces; blurred images that tell me nothing and leave me feeling empty inside. I think one of the reasons I feel so conflicted is guilt. I feel guilty for saying I love my Father in Heaven, yet I act in ways that hurt him on a daily basis. And then he forgives me, and it makes me feel even more guilty. But tonight is different…
Tonight God has answered my prayers and given me peace. Tonight I lie awake because of hope. A hope that has set me on fire. A hope that has shown me that it will all be okay, no matter the outcome of my present course. And I thank Him for that.
The answer was love.
It’s a love that passeth all understanding. A love that guards our hearts in times of trouble. A love that is available to all men. And a love that confounds me in times like these. So this is my prayer…
Dearest Father, in you I find rest. In you I find fulfillment. In you I find peace. Your love is something I constantly doubt, but you are faithful and just and foolish in the recklessness of your affection for me. And for that reckless longing I thank you. Tonight you taught me that even in the darkest of nights, you are always with me. Tonight you showed me yourself, and your infinite beauty. Help me to never forget your passion Lord, like a lover pursues his mate. I know I fall short, but thank you for never failing me. I owe you my life. I owe you my heart. Help me to believe your word no matter how deep the valley. Thank you for this peak. The view takes my breath away as I feel the wind against my face. Blessed be your name. Amen.
So now I’ll attempt to go to sleep once more. I’ll try to close my eyes and ignore the movie playing above me. And I’ll continue to live in that splendid victory that is so freely, yet undeservedly mine. Blessings to all of those who read this. May you find the peace of God that passes all understanding.
The Portland Chapters 
Rachel
October 5, 2009
This is so stunningly beautiful–and aptly timed. I hope that peace and rest has come.
Tim Kurek
October 5, 2009
Thank you for the comment! We serve an awesome God!
Rachel
October 5, 2009
I liked it too, though. 🙂 “foolish in the recklessness of His affection for me” <– my favorite. 🙂