Another 3am Confession…

Posted on May 20, 2010

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I’ve been in Portland now for two and a half weeks. It’s not quite home yet, but then again I didn’t expect it to feel like home for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here, but I knew that the same things I struggled with in Nashville I would undoubtedly struggle with here.

Lately I feel like God has been showing me that I don’t really love Christians… No I’m not one of those whiny and jaded youth who label others in mass, it’s simply just harder for me to understand why people who claim to know “freedom in Christ” can act the way they do. It’s as if God’s people are the most superficial, backbiting, and deceptive lot around. Last year I got a good whiff of what it’d be like to be on the outside of religion, and it aint pretty.

But God has been working tirelessly to show me the error of my ways. He’s shown me that I’m bitter, and that I hold grudges. Why I do this isn’t worth writing about. Blogs are supposed to be short after all. I think I just hold my brothers and sisters in Christ to a much higher standard than anyone else. Is that wrong? I know I’m no better, but somehow I’m always crushed when I experience an individual who claims to know better but personifies ugliness in attitude and spirit.

Much harder still is having people who I’ve looked up to for so long fall so short of the standards I set for them. Yes I said it… The standards I set for them. Welcome to my thorn in the flesh.

There is one instance I’m referring to above everything else, but I won’t give specifics. Suffice it to say that a former role model/hero of mine has turned out to be a poster-child of arrogance. And while I try to remember that the root of narcissism is insecurity, it’s hard to know how easily I bought into a lie.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that in all of the above ranting, my fault in this is putting hope in people and not in God. Oh how easy it is to put mere men on pedestals. Oh how easy it is to idolize authors and musicians, and other people clothed in success. My fault in this is clear. I’ve intentionally made idols out of people, and even though it sucks to have seen what I’ve now seen, I can’t focus on the problems of another. Dealing with my own crap, after all, is difficult enough.

To the person I’m referencing above… I’m sorry. From the bottom of my heart I’m sorry. Without even knowing it I placed upon you a standard that is impossible to live up to, and even though I’ve seen you in a new light over the past year, my crap is no less putrid than yours. No you don’t know how much you’ve discouraged me, but you don’t need to. Just know that I am no better, and am sorry for ever thinking you infallible and above reproach. You are a simple man with extraordinary talent, but then again we all are in our own right. I know you deal with insecurity too. I pray for you as I pray for myself. We share the same struggle. Lord willing we will both conquer our insecurities. Again I say, Lord willing…

So I send this prayer out into the cosmos. Lord, make me a man who fears you and you alone, and loves you above all men. Make me humble, and break the pride and insecurity within me. Never more than tonight am I conscious of my own issues, but in you I can rest, truly rest, knowing that you love me as much on my worst day as on my best. I don’t deserve that. I never will. But thank you. Forgive me for my bitterness and make me a man of peace. You are the only one who can break through the hardness of my heart to get to the good stuff. Thank you for loving me… I finally believe you do.

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